Nintendo Wii Fanboy

Welcome to our weekly feature, Virtually Overlooked, wherein we talk about games that aren't on the Virtual Console yet, but should be. Call it a retro-speculative.

It's plainly obvious that we love talking about terrible NES games here in the Virtually Overlooked squad command center. According to a statistic that we just made up, about 72% of the games we profile are awful. Nothing is more fun than snarking about a game that is not only completely without merit or value, but also old enough that nobody will show up to defend it.

But what isn't so obvious is the fact that we genuinely, honestly love playing some of the worst NES games. Whether it's a result of nostalgia or some kind of bizarre preference for poor game design, we don't know. But the fact is that we would give serious consideration to buying a virtual copy of M.U.S.C.L.E., despite owning the cartridge.

In the US, M.U.S.C.L.E. was a line of unpainted, unarticulated, tiny wrestler figurines, most of which were solid pink (other solid colors came later), and had no real context or story other than "HEY HERE ARE SOME WEIRD WRESTLERS." The line did well selling 4-packs of these bizarre little dudes. It is in this same spirit that Bandai's M.U.S.C.L.E. game for the NES was presented. The game did nothing to represent the Japanese Kinnikuman manga upon which both it and the toys were based-- in fact, it was a straight-up "wacky" wrestling game, with no semblance of storyline. Notably, the characters at least had names for the first time. Since the story absolutely didn't matter to kids obsessed with collecting hundreds of inch-high mutants, it was a smart decision for Bandai not to attempt any mangled Engrish storytelling in the game. Of course, this was some early NES-era stuff, so cutscenes or other story sequences were out of the question. And Japanese kids knew the characters anyway.

Everyone was happy -- Japanese players with a game in which they could play as their favorite characters, and American kids with WEIRD DUDES WRESTLING LOL. Oh, except nobody was happy, because it's an ugly, shallow, buggy game.

But, like other early Bandai NES games (Dragon Power, Chubby Cherub), the crude graphics and oversimplistic gameplay made an impression on me. I continue to enjoy the game. It's even simpler than Pro Wrestling: As a tag-team of eight doughy, ill-defined wrestlers, you punch, jump-kick, and suplex the other wrestlers until they run out of life. Occasionally your partner will throw a glowing orb into the ring, which allows you to perform a special move for a short time. These special moves are super-strong versions of normal attacks (Robin Mask throws you extra hard, Geronimo throws a tomahawk when he punches, etc.)



Some games are fun because they're well-designed, but occasionally, kusoge like M.U.S.C.L.E. is occasionally enjoyable precisely because it's crap. You can just beat up on some pudgy little characters. As long as you don't have to pay much for it. But maybe I'm just simple! Maybe I've been punishing myself for all these years.