This week sees the commencement of E3, the Super Bowl for gamers. On Tuesday, Nintendo will announce all of its big plans for the rest of the year, sending fanboys and fangirls alike into a frenzy. And while others choose to give us predictions of what we will see, here is the much more important information: things that we won't be seeing.
5. The Game Boy Ultra - Around the time that the DS was first announced, Nintendo made a point to clarify that the new dual-screened portable was more of a "third pillar" than the next installment in the Game Boy line. But then the DS started printing money ... lots and lots of it. Regardless, in an effort to stay true to their word (as they always do), Nintendo will unveil the Game Boy Ultra. The sleek handheld will feature a small but crisp widescreen display showcasing wonderful GameCube-esque graphics. In fact, it will be backwards-compatible with all GameCube games, using the same 8cm discs as Nintendo's last-gen console. Also, similar to the PSP's remote play, the Game Boy Ultra will connect to the Wii and allow data transfers to an SD card. This will allow Virtual Console and select WiiWare games to be played on the go. And since Nintendo plans to keep DS owners in agony by not announcing New Super Mario Bros. 2, they will reveal that the Game Boy Ultra will ship packaged with a free copy of Super Mario Bros. Ultra.
Survey Says: Not necessary; Contra 4 removes the need for any other portable game or system.
4. The "You're Fat and Stupid" Channel - With the success of Wii Fit informing the masses (and yes, we do mean masses) of just how fat they are, Nintendo will decide to expand upon this by engaging a new market of insults: stupidity. The Brain Age games were a step in the right direction, but Dr. Kawashima lacks the bite of the Balance Board's "ouch!" when you step on and the "that's overweight!" exclamation after weighing a less-than-fit user. When playing the "You're Fat and Stupid" Channel, various Nintendo characters will appear and inform the user of how fat and stupid they are. Just imagine the fun you'll be having when Ludwig von Koopa calls you a heffer and Professor E. Gadd equates your intelligence to that of a stomped goomba. While standing on the balance board the user's slump in posture will be measured after every insult. After repeated use, you will be able to see just how much your self-esteem has lowered since you began. Survey Says: No thanks, our sensibilities are delicate enough.
3. Laurent Fischer Dunk Tank - Not so much a "video game" as "atonement," in-between booths for the new Kid Icarus and Animal Crossing games will be an actual dunk tank. Perched atop is none other than Laurent Fischer, the infamous Senior Marketing Director for Nintendo of Europe. As he bellows insults to passersby, patrons will be asked to throw softballs at a button, triggering the switch to release the seat and plunge him into the water tank. The participants will be divided into two lines: one for geeks, the other for otaku. And the prize for dunking the fanboy-hater: a 2 gigabyte USB thumb drive which plugs directly into the Wii and allows the storage of VC games, WiiWare, Wii channels, and save data!
Survey Says: DUNK TANK PLZ.
2. Bible Adventures 2 for WiiWare - Inspired by Capcom's retro-chic Mega Man 9, disbanded developer Wisdom Tree will rise from the grave and reveal the game that everyone has been waiting for: Bible Adventures 2. Featuring 8-bit styled graphics to match the finely-tuned classic gameplay, gamers will wait with bated breath for the Wii's first killer app. Like the original, Bible Adventures 2 will be unlicensed. In order to download it, users will have to use a homebrew solution to load Wisdom Tree's own special Wii firmware. This will come complete with a special Wisdom Tree Shop Channel featuring VC downloads of Spiritual Warfare and Super 3D Noah's Ark (the latter of which would require users to first download Wolfenstein 3D). Survey Says: Let he who is without sin develop Bible Adventures 2.
1. Castlevania Judgment: Just Kiddin'! - Since its initial unveiling, Castlevania Judgment has been met with near-universal skepticism. Many Castlevania fans are already at odds with the third dimension, and the idea of focusing on fighting had quite a few of us scratching our heads. However, at E3, this will all be exposed as an extremely elaborate joke. The true game will be revealed when the first person steps up to try Judgment. While the player is meandering through the quaint 3D combat, Koji Igarashi will creepily lurch his way forward from behind the kiosk. He will then stand in silence for several (excruciating) seconds. Just when the player is contemplating an escape route, Iga will push a special button located on the side of the monitor. Suddenly, like the unveiling of Super Mario Bros. 3 at the finale of the 1989 film The Wizard, the game will transform into the 2D side-scrolling Metroidvania we all assumed/hoped it would be. It will feature tight controls, beautiful hand-drawn graphics, and incredible 2D gameplay that will never die. Upon its release, Castlevania Judgment will dethrone Symphony of the Night as the greatest in the series. Having completed his mission on earth, Iga will then smile, tip his cowboy hat to us, and fly off into the sunset.
Survey Says: Well, at least they might release Rondo of Blood somewhere outside of Japan.
The Top 5 is a new weekly feature that provides us with a forum to share our opinions on various aspects of the video game culture, and provides you with a forum to tell us how wrong we are. To further voice your opinions, check out What Are You Playing?, submit a vote in the Wii Fanboy Poll, and take part in the daily discussions of Wii Warm Up. 
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
7-14-2008 @ 2:12PM
Nigeria said...
I thought we reached agreement that, though the delivery was poor, Fischer was right.
I laughed at the fat and stupid channel. The venom of your delivery was hilarious.
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7-14-2008 @ 2:31PM
Kaes Delgrego said...
True ... I just thought Fischer deserved a little extra prodding, mainly for that non-apology apology he gave. "I regret that this misunderstanding has created such [offense]" ... right, so it's our fault for misunderstanding your name-calling.
And thanks for the kind words, Nigeria!
7-14-2008 @ 2:38PM
Atlantis1982 said...
That GB Ultra looks sexy. :)
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7-14-2008 @ 2:46PM
Mr Khan said...
If i weren't so sure that Solid-State storage is the future for handhelds, that Game Boy ultra concept doesn't seem so far out. It's been 4 years, the GBA only went 3 years before replacement, and the GBC only went for three equally
Unless its a 9-year Game Boy cycle that the DS is going for, it's high time to start hearing about something new
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7-14-2008 @ 3:09PM
Lianne said...
"4. The "You're Fat and Stupid" Channel"
Wait...isn't this already called the "Nintendo Network"? It's chock-full of Wii Fit videos making the balance games look SO easy (plus one that shows how the board works, proving its accuracy), and the Brain Age demo told me I had the mind of an 80-year old.
I'm 24. *sob*
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7-14-2008 @ 3:27PM
Eric E said...
I still have my bible Adventures game, original. (and other ones like "spiritual") It contained a david an golith, moses and Noah Ark game (which was the best).
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7-14-2008 @ 3:34PM
Kenneth Caldwell said...
Haha. Number 3 kicks ass.
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7-14-2008 @ 3:42PM
El hombre arana said...
Whats up with this skepticism and Castlevania? People always complain about lack of third party support and if it finally arrives either a) noone buys it (No more heroes, Zak & Wiki, Okami) or b) people continue whining because it is not the exact same stuff they wanted.
In my book a Power Stone like game with a Castlevania setting sounds pretty awesome in concept and if done right it will be at least as good as games like Umbrella Chronicles which wasn't AAA but damn fun to play and worth my money.
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7-14-2008 @ 3:47PM
Kaes Delgrego said...
Excellent point. The piece is meant to be farcical. In reality, I'm withholding "judgment" (sorry) until I get my hands on the final product.
7-14-2008 @ 3:59PM
Brittany said...
I would buy the GameBoy Ultra...
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7-14-2008 @ 4:00PM
Bones3D said...
One detail overlooked with that GameBoy Ultra concept... the ability to pop the game out of the ultra when you get home, pop it into your Wii and continue the game on your TV, then move the game back to the ultra when you leave again. An automatic bluetooth sync of the game saves in the process wouldn't be too difficult as long as both systems are configured for it.
It's nice to dream, isn't it...
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7-14-2008 @ 4:28PM
Mr Khan said...
I'm sorry to repost this, but once again:
And while we're here, i was thinking of playing "Connect the Dots of Rumor"
Ok. We have MotionPlus for more accurate, 1:1 style play. We have talks about the possibilities of first person Zelda. We have rumors of Retro Studios working on a Zelda spin-off
What do these rumors, put together, suggest?
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7-14-2008 @ 5:16PM
Andrew H. said...
Regarding the gameboy Ultra...
Portable Virtual Console + Gamecube = DELICIOUS!
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7-14-2008 @ 5:17PM
Andrew H. said...
Regarding the gameboy Ultra...
Portable Virtual Console + Gamecube = DELICIOUS!
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7-14-2008 @ 5:26PM
Microx said...
My Gameboy Ultra bringz all da nerdz to da yard. fo sho
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7-14-2008 @ 5:35PM
omghaha said...
game cube ultra?
there are not that many good gc games out there
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7-14-2008 @ 6:45PM
Eric Jon said...
That Game Boy Ultra idea is a tad ambitious. Just gimme a new Game Boy device that can use the Wii to buy and download any Game Boy game from that enormous library of games.
I've been wanting this since Nintendo first announced the Virtual Console. I was one of the poor souls who got back into Nintendo when they started the GBA Player's Choice releases...then stopped at 5 games (5!) when the DS took over.
Not that it will happen. But since no one else has seemed to mention it (that I've seen), I call bragging rights if they do.
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7-14-2008 @ 7:07PM
TJF588 said...
1) From what I understand, that portable-GameCube image has been around for a while.
2) I would totally Get a Game Boy Ultra.
3) Wasn't Rondo of Blood remade for the PSP, with Symphony of the Night as an unlockable? Still waiting for that to reach GH-level (and to actually get a PSP, damn my joblessness). On this matter, was it that success of Dracula X Chronicles would dictate if they diverged from the animu style used in Dawn of Sorrow? Blame teh Wikiz if I'm wrong on that.
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7-15-2008 @ 12:36AM
alx said...
lok guys all i want is for nintendo to release a new ds that is bakwards compatible with not only GBA games but also with all the gameboy games...and why not slightly wider screens like suggested by that game company just a few days ago...why not nintendo?? i mean i'm more than willing to give you my money as much as the third part of the world's population who's bought your DS so far...
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