Nintendo Wii Fanboy

If all the recent rumors are to be believed, Mario Kart Wii and Wii Fit will be releasing awfully close to one another. Of course, that alone is reason to think that at least one of those dates will change (and our money's on Mario Kart), but in the event that they come out within a few weeks of one another, will you just suffer and be broke ... or will you choose? If you must choose, which one wins?

Due to the holiday week in Japan, the sales numbers were a little slow, but now they're here ... and so, without further ado, we present the following commercial script.

[AUDIO ]
It's called the DS, or the handheld system that dared to put two screens of uncensored, hardcore action into the hands of gamers.

[VIDEO]
EXTREME CLOSE-UP ON BOTTOM SCREEN. PULL BACK TO SHOW ENTIRE DS.]

[AUDIO]
Iwata and Miyamoto are back, only this time, they're back to back with dual screens that will tear you in two.

[VIDEO]
CUT TO CARTOON MIYAMOTO AND IWATA PORTRAIT.

ThinkGeek is apparently offering a brilliant new product: the Wii Helm. Besides the +7 charisma you'll obviously receive, the Wii Helm allows one to strap in a Wiimote to the top of a sleek, shiny helmet to free up both hands for other endeavors. The demo video shows a daring pioneer in her quest to utilize head motions to conquer Wii Sports.

Yes, it's a joke, and a clever one at that. But upon watching the video, we here at the Fanboy could only think of a glorious future, in which the official Night at the Roxbury game features realistic head-bobbing for super-mega-funtime. Truly amazing.

Another "joke" at ThinkGeek involves this tie, which we thought was horribly cruel, because it is awesome in every single way. However, torrents of furious E-mails (nineteen of which were ours) have forced ThinkGeek to actually start manufacturing the product in the near future. Viva la 8-bit!

[Thanks to Dustin, Alex, and Liqwid!]

So, not sure if you guys noticed, but overnight Nintendo updated the Virtual Console, adding something that a lot of us have been clamoring for: realistic glitches. We personally were a little turned off by the eerie perfection of the VC, and we're glad Nintendo addressed our concern by adding random graphical errors and occasional blinking screens. It's a much more authentic experience if we have to turn the console on and off a bunch of times, and clean it out with alcohol before playing.

This should go very nicely with the announced wireless NES Max. We've got ours preordered! What about you all?

Did we say April Fools edition? We meant completely real edition. This weeks numbers, for whatever reason, are slightly unusual, so we've coupled a short explanation for each system in the chart.

- Atari Jaguar: 1,989,323 1,989,322 - In a startling turn of events, the Atari Jaguar received an unbelievable resurgence in popularity. Its success can only be attributed to a flash mob, who thought it would be funny for a bunch of people to raid a warehouse and purchase a bunch of systems wholesale.
- Wii: 134,257 9,834 - The Wii continues to sell well. In related news, mysterious living-room related deaths are rising rapidly.
- PS3: 70,942 20,771 - The PS3, despite continuous bad press, continues to grill burgers with the best of them. George Foreman's stock is rapidly falling.
- PSP: 38,211 4,032 - Poospè?
- PS2: 37,778 7,110 - While 37,778 units were sold, it turns out that only three were sold to people who weren't replacing a broken one.
- Xbox 360: 14,170 3,173 - Has anyone else noticed this heat wave lately? We're looking at you, power bricks.
- Gamecube: 666 666 - Oh my God. Run.
- GBA SP: pi e - Lawl. Pi + e = Pie.
- Xbox: i ... er ... ... dammit! - Remarkably, the Xbox managed to sell an imaginary number of units last week. Whether this is better or worse than zero units, we're not sure.
- DS Lite: 0 121,471 - Nintendo has a problem: everyone in Japan already has a DS Lite. Didn't see that one coming ....

[Source: Lamar]

Check after the break for the totally fake numbers. Yep, not like the ones above at all. Really, really fake.