Nintendo Wii Fanboy

You know, you know what? We've had it up to here with some of the things we have to deal with everyday, and dammit, we think it's time we let people know. This crap has to stop.

Where to start? Let's talk about the freaking CPUs they stick us with here at the Fanboy offices. Intel Core 2 Duo's: pathetic. We mean, what the hell? It's like two normal Intel processors duct-taped together. Look, we need insane processing power to make these blog posts funny and interesting, you know? These conditions are unworkable.

And let's not even mention roller coasters. Mechanical and electrical engineers just aren't taking these things seriously enough; they need to start using the medium for proper artistic expression. We need to tell a story full of meaning and character depth during these rides, or people are going to feel unfulfilled and pissed off, like us. And we're really pissed right now.

Finally, to Maxis, developers of the best-selling PC game of all-time and the future title Spore, expected to perhaps exceed that mark set by the exemplary Sims some years back: make a game that doesn't suck ass, okay?

Ugh, these numbers? Where is the emotion? Where is the meaning? Life is so meaningless ....

- DS Lite: 111,814 24,314 (17.86%)
- PSP: 66,156 34,054 (33.96%)
- Wii: 57,972 20,534 (26.16%)
- PS3: 44,000 24,685 (127.80%)
- PS2: 15,364 310 (2.06%)
- Xbox 360: 3,379 804 (19.22%)
- Game Boy Micro: 805 102 (11.25%)
- GBA SP: 738 297 (28.70%)
- Gamecube: 303 20 (6.19%)
- DS Phat: 112 20 (15.15%)
- GBA: 25 34 (57.63%)

[Source: Media Create]

Yes, these Fusion Tour events have been going for several weeks now, I know. And you've probably read plenty of impressions, too. But not from Nintendo Wii Fanboy, you didn't, so grab a mug of hot cocoa and your favorite fuzzy slippers. It's time to read.

I, like most of you, had never played with the Wii before tonight. I was unable to attend E3, and despite my posting nigh every single day on the strange little machine, I had no idea if it could actually fulfill my every expectation. Would I have to convince myself that the controls would work, as opposed to just knowing that they would? It was almost nervewracking ... waiting to see if all that I work on and write about would be somehow validated.

Nintendo appears to be reaching out to the emo youth demographic, as a new video contest has emerged on the mega-popular MySpace website. A large social networking tool for creepy internet stalkers students and adults alike, MySpace is visited by hundreds of thousands of people every day...a good place to advertise, yeah?

The contest, entitled "How Wii Play", is simple enough: create a video showing how you might use the Wiimote in your various everyday endeavors. The prize? Eight DS Lites for those hilarious enough to win the judges' hearts. You must have a MySpace account to enter, and you'll be graded on humor, originality, and creativity. Feel free to send your submissions to us as well; if we like them, we'll post them on the main page for our readers to enjoy.

[Update 1: Since strikethrough humor has gone the way of knock-knock jokes, we have reduced the count by exactly one.]

[Update 2: We should note that it appears Nintendo themselves are not the official sponsors of this contest. MySpace just loves Nintendo, we guess.]