Nintendo Wii Fanboy

You know, you know what? We've had it up to here with some of the things we have to deal with everyday, and dammit, we think it's time we let people know. This crap has to stop.

Where to start? Let's talk about the freaking CPUs they stick us with here at the Fanboy offices. Intel Core 2 Duo's: pathetic. We mean, what the hell? It's like two normal Intel processors duct-taped together. Look, we need insane processing power to make these blog posts funny and interesting, you know? These conditions are unworkable.

And let's not even mention roller coasters. Mechanical and electrical engineers just aren't taking these things seriously enough; they need to start using the medium for proper artistic expression. We need to tell a story full of meaning and character depth during these rides, or people are going to feel unfulfilled and pissed off, like us. And we're really pissed right now.

Finally, to Maxis, developers of the best-selling PC game of all-time and the future title Spore, expected to perhaps exceed that mark set by the exemplary Sims some years back: make a game that doesn't suck ass, okay?

Ugh, these numbers? Where is the emotion? Where is the meaning? Life is so meaningless ....

- DS Lite: 111,814 24,314 (17.86%)
- PSP: 66,156 34,054 (33.96%)
- Wii: 57,972 20,534 (26.16%)
- PS3: 44,000 24,685 (127.80%)
- PS2: 15,364 310 (2.06%)
- Xbox 360: 3,379 804 (19.22%)
- Game Boy Micro: 805 102 (11.25%)
- GBA SP: 738 297 (28.70%)
- Gamecube: 303 20 (6.19%)
- DS Phat: 112 20 (15.15%)
- GBA: 25 34 (57.63%)

[Source: Media Create]

Chris Hecker didn't pull any punches at GDC's "Game Publisher's Rant" session. The Maxis developer began his "Fear of a Wii Planet" diatribe by declaring, "The Wii is a piece of sh*t."

He went on to describe the console as being vastly underpowered, citing low graphical standards and an inability to process complicated AI. According to Hecker's exaggerations, "The way you manufacture a Wii is you take two GameCubes and duct tape." As if that wasn't already enough to break a fanboy's heart, he called on Nintendo to "make a console that doesn't suck ass."

His complaints weren't limited to hardware gripes -- he also criticized Nintendo for not pushing games as an art form. Maybe he hasn't seen Electroplankton or the bit Generations games?

Hecker's rants from previous years were just as brutally harsh on Sony and Microsoft, but we're sure that will do little to tame the wrath of offended gamers. Bringing Spore to the DS might have earned him enough good will to make it out of the session unharmed, but he might want to avoid walking around GDC alone at night until this cools down.