Nintendo Wii Fanboy

I have fond memories of your mother -- yes, all of your mothers. Up until now, I've kept those memories separate from Wii Fanboy, mostly out of professional courtesy. After seeing how most of you ignored Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure, however, I have thrown civility out the window. The gloves are off now, and good riddance, as it'd be difficult to type about the games that remind me of your mom while wearing those restrictive mittens.

Star Trek: Conquest didn't fare too well in our last metareview, partly due to its lack of options, and partly because its retail price of $30 is double that of the near-identical PS2 version. There isn't anything short of a time-travel episode that can be done about that first complaint considering that the game is already out in the market, and, unfortunately, we used up our one time-travel episode for the season when we visited Nickelodeon's studios in 1996 to stop them from canceling the original Are You Afraid of the Dark? series. We regret to report that we weren't able to complete that important mission due to interference by the Romulans.

Amazon has addressed that second criticism, though, cutting the strategy/shooter title's price by a third and selling it now for only $19.99! This deal ends today, so pick it up now if you're interested, but just keep in mind the 19th Rule of Acquisition: "Satisfaction is not guaranteed."

[Via CAG]

We were excited when we heard that Bethesda was bringing Star Trek: Conquest to the Wii, even more so when the strategy/shooter's $30 budget pricing was revealed ($15 for the PS2 version). So, now that it's out, is it worth its weight in gold-pressed latinum? Well, no.

IGN -- 68%: Though Star Trek: Conquest is technically sound, IGN doesn't think there's enough there to warrant pruchasing: "The game is obviously a quick cash-out strategy game that does little to innovate, and lacks the serious depth it takes to sit among the ranks of strategy greats ... For starters, there's no multiplayer at all in the game, so while it's a turn-based board game in nearly every respect, you'll be playing one-on-one with the computer only, rather than bringing friends into the action via local or online play. Even further, the game has no real story mode, as it only includes a user-defined 'Campaign' mode and skirmish extra mode."

Gamespy -- 20%: GameSpy agrees, and takes issue with its combat portions and inaccuracies: "It's not a very good shooter, with trudging controls, no choice over which of your ships you control (you only get to control one), and bland graphics. And just to drive the license fully into the ground, you'll encounter fun things like Borg spheres as fast/light 'scout' vessels. Technically, Conquest could be worse, since it loads quickly and has no real technical issues. But there is simply no reason to play this game or spend the money on it."

Remember how every other episode of The Next Generation climaxed with some sort of warp core breach that required a saucer separation? The red alert klaxon would sound off and the camera would cut to a shot of Geordi rolling dramatically under one of the descending emergency gates, just narrowly escaping death and ensuring he'd be around to host another episode of Reading Rainbow.

We imagine that's just how your Christmas morning would play out if someone were to gift you Star Trek: Conquest, except instead of a saucer separation, you'll be running out of the house and jumping into your car, driving away as fast as possible, glancing at your rearview mirror just in time to see your house explode spectacularly behind you.