Nintendo Wii Fanboy

The final release of Harry Potter, one of the most widespread, wonderful literary series ever written, is coming to a close come July 21st. We'd like to take a moment and salute J. K. Rowling for reintroducing the better part of a world to the joys of reading, because hey, if no one read, we'd be out of our jobs. Pick up Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as soon as you can, guys. Trust us.

Harry Potter and the Japanese Hardware Sales

"Harry," said Ron, slightly out of breath, "Snape'll go nutters if we're late again. Remember what he did to Neville?"

"Yeah," replied Harry, throwing himself down a shifting staircase and sprinting through the corridors. Snape had used a particularly nasty hex on the frequently tardy Neville, turning his hands into N-Gages. Harry allowed himself a momentary shudder.

They rounded a corner and began the descent into Snape's dungeon of a classroom, Harry's least favorite place at Hogwarts. Even disregarding his immense dislike of Severus Snape, Harry had never had much of a knack for Potions; it was always his lowest grade of the term.

Suddenly, Ron stopped dead ahead of him. Harry slammed into his back, nearly toppling the two down the hard, stone stairs.

Start your engines, fanboys. According to vgchartz.com, which is where we go to hang out when we're bored, the Wii just yesterday surpassed eight million units sold since its November 19th launch in North America. That's fast. That's really fast. Check out this graph with the option "align launches" enabled; it's staggering.

So, here we go. By the end of year, Nintendo Wii sales will most likely have surpassed the Xbox 360's one-year head start to become the current generation leader, and heck, we might just "win" this thing. Who'd have thought such a turnaround was possible? And why the hell didn't we buy NTDOY stock? Dammit.

Bask in the glory, guys. Most likely, one of those eight million is yours.

We know, you were disappointed. Last night, as you happily refreshed Wii Fanboy every nine seconds or so looking for this week's Japanese hardware sales, the vim slowly faded from your eyes as the hours ticked into oblivion. We would never willingly deprive our readers so; we were unavoidably delayed! You see ....

Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him ... there were the moon men, reigning over the Earth. But this was not the Earth you knew! It was covered in jelly and high-density motor oil, making the planet very slippery. The moon men blamed the corporations, and there was a war and many were killed. The battle raged for millennia until 8000 A.D., when the moon men realized they were not actually from the moon, but from rural Pennsylvania. They then built a monument to the moon but then the Quakers stole it and filled it with oatmeal, and no one knew what flavor. Californians were highly displeased and turned all the Quakers invisible, which is why you never see them anymore. And that ... is where babies come from.

- DS Lite: 123,140 4,321 (3.39%)
- Wii: 69,748 11,104 (18.93%)
- PSP: 26,358 261 (1.00%)
- PS2: 11,814 503 (4.45%)
- PS3: 8,998 629 (6.53%)
- Xbox 360: 2,219 175 (8.56%)
- Game Boy Micro: 310 97 (23.83%)
- GBA SP: 247 41 (14.24%)
- Gamecube: 226 30 (11.72%)
- DS Phat: 71 10 (12.35%)
- GBA: 16 1 (5.88%)

[Source: Media Create]

Some of our readers wonder exactly what they're supposed to do with the Japanese hardware sales every week. To promote enlightenment and worldwide harmony, we've taken the liberty of creating a step-by-step walkthrough of a proper response to the weekly figures. Adhere to these rules whenever possible, and if you must deviate, remember to at least properly remove all semblance of standard English grammar from your comments.

1. Look for any obvious outliers in the sales data, such as the Nintendo DS falling out of first place. This will never occur; advance to step 2.

2. Statistical variation causes slight fluctuations every week. Immediately look for numbers that come close to dividing evenly into one another; this enables comments such as, "lol, wii sold 5x of PS3s this week, pwnage."

3. Should any Nintendo systems suffer a decrease in sales, come up with reasons as to why they dropped. The usually accurate "supply is unable to currently meet demand" excuse is no longer sufficient in most cases. Come up with creative replies like, "redirected shipments of software caused a temporary instability in the retail market," or "lol ghost of kutaragi put a curse on teh DS kekekekeke."

4. There will invariably be a Sony or Microsoft troll, defending his or her own system while attacking your own. Henceforth, we'll be posting IP addresses and relevant contact information*; please take it upon yourselves to attack and/or maim the aforementioned troll, preferably with some kind of mace that grants +7 strength while fighting trolls.

*Really.**

- DS Lite: 127,461 16,248 (14.61%)
- Wii: 58,644 6,451 (12.36%)
- PSP: 26,097 1,408 (5.12%)
- PS2: 11,311 430 (3.95%)
- PS3: 9,627 968 (11.18%)
- Xbox 360: 2,044 18 (0.89%)
- Game Boy Micro: 407 21 (4.91%)
- GBA SP: 288 42 (12.73%)
- Gamecube: 256 20 (7.25%)
- DS Phat: 81 55 (211.54%)
- GBA: 17 16 (48.48%)

[Source: Media Create]

**Not really.

Trust us. With regular use comes a guaranteed increase in size, or your money back! Girls will flock to you, women will be putty in your hands! After all, we've seen the results firsthand. Yes, that's right, we've sunk quite a bit of our own money and time into this product, and we're just absolutely 100% positive you'll start seeing results within a few weeks. And hey, it's not your fault nature didn't give you a little more to work with! So go ahead and start Training Your Brain, Miyamoto-san, and give those women what they really want: your astronomically high IQ.

- DS Lite: 111,213 52,572 (32.10%)
- Wii: 52,193 351 (0.67%)
- PSP: 27,505 6,928 (20.12%)
- PS2: 10,881 467 (4.48%)
- PS3: 8,659 180 (2.04%)
- Xbox 360: 2,026 79 (3.75%)
- Game Boy Micro: 428 20 (4.90%)
- GBA SP: 330 13 (3.79%)
- Gamecube: 276 39 (12.38%)
- GBA: 33 15 (83.33%)
- DS Phat: 26 13 (33.33%)

[Source: Media Create]

David: Hey, Jason, yeahhhh, I'm gonna need you to get on those JHS reports ... did you see the memo?

Jason: Uh, yeah, I saw it. Thanks, Dave.

David: Good, good. I'll let you get to it, then.

(Jason sighs, and begins to type frantically.)

Alisha: Heyyyyy, Jason, did you see the mem--

Jason: For the love of God, yes. I'm on it.

Alisha: No need to snap, Jason. Sounds like someone has a case of the Fridays.

(Jason mumbles as Alisha walks away. JC and Eric approach.)

JC: I can't believe it. I told those fudgepackers I liked JC's music. Me! I've never despised any form of sensory input as I do those songs.

Camp Lincoln Keokuk Iowa
October the 23rd, 1862
To Miss Dorothy W. Sullivan

My darling Dorothy,

I will inform you that I am well at this time, in this God Forsaken regiment. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I am to be no more. Death is coming, Dorothy, I can feel its stench in the blood-soaked battlefields on which we stand, in the eyes of my comrades as they see the fallen friends who once laughed and drank alongside.

Would I were back with you, dear Dorothy, that all happiness should come to us as it once did. My country hath borne me on these winds away from you, and unseeing with my one eye 'gainst your two, I tread as they so commanded. Your bright smile still warms me as I lay in drought, and those who would care care not about me, and those who do not pay as much mind as they did.

My forefathers have fallen, and yours live strong; our children might not remember the lineage which I bestow. O Dorothy! Do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

- Percy Sullivan

- DS Lite: 172,359 39,034 (29.28%)
- Wii: 77,913 2,154 (2.84%)
- PSP: 29,459 4,609 (18.55%)
- PS2: 11,398 1,474 (11.45%)
- PS3: 11,000 948 (7.93%)
- Xbox 360: 2,307 593 (20.45%)
- GBA SP: 860 206 (31.50%)
- Game Boy Micro: 449 168 (27.23%)
- Gamecube: 266 99 (59.28%)
- DS Phat: 81 65 (44.52%)
- GBA: 55 29 (111.54%)

[Source: Media Create]

"You n00b sunnuva bitch," said the legendary knight 3494-5541-9771. "Pwnage ... is inevitable."

"Hah!" said his adversary, 7111-9463-2931. "If you wish to grok your princess once more, you'll taste the fury of my skillz!" He raised his arms high in the air. "363171-765491, I summon thee from the shades of hell! Rise forth and rock this bitch!"

The ground shook, and from a spewing chasm came the beast, hideous and deformed. 3494-5541-9771 stood his ground. No creature would keep him from his princess. He dodged a 7612-8113-4353-1919 and drew his 1913-1564-8328, shining in the darkness. With one deft blow he severed the 363171-765491's head, and leapt toward 7111-9463-2931.

"Boom--" shouted 7111-9463-2931, raising his staff. The two collided--

"HEADSHOTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!"

And all was silent. 3494-5541-9771 had won. He sheathed his 1913-1564-8328 and approached his beautiful princess, 654232-918811. Her eyes fluttered open.

"Did you ... did you pwn him?"

"I did, fair princess."

"Well done, knight. And now, your just reward..." She slowly began to disrobe...

"Wait," she said suddenly. "Do I have your Friend Code?"

"What? I don't need your friend co--"

"Sorry, sweetie," said 654232-918811, donning her gown once more. "No code, no multiplayer." She walked away.

"I ... but ... FRAK!"

(Seriously, Nintendo. This crap is ridiculous.)

- DS Lite: 133,325 22,480 (20.28%)
- Wii: 75,759 23,176 (44.08%)
- PSP: 24,850 6,653 (21.12%)
- PS2: 12,872 1,362 (9.57%)
- PS3: 11,948 2,572 (17.71%)
- Xbox 360: 2,900 63 (2.13%)
- GBA SP: 654 179 (21.49%)
- Game Boy Micro: 617 105 (20.51%)
- Gamecube: 167 88 (34.51%)
- DS Phat: 146 56 (62.22%)
- GBA: 26 14 (116.67%)

[Source: Media Create]

Perhaps you've heard of it? Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords, an excellent new title on the Wii's little brother, had this crazy plan to blend the classic gameplay of Bejeweled with a surprisingly deep RPG experience. We think this is a great idea, and decided: why not revisit the greatest classic of all? That's right, folks, here's our design document for the guaranteed billion-seller, Destiny of Tetris: Age of the Mystic Blade.

• Play as one of seven exciting classes, including square, T-shape, and leftways squiggly!
• Discover a hidden conspiracy regarding the NexPiece, a legendary window said to grant its users access to the future!
• Obtain new skills as you progress, including attack spells, elemental tetromino summons, and increased vodka tolerance.
  
• Build an empire: well, what the hell else did you think you were building with those blocks?

Surely, thou art tingling with excitement. We can hardly believe this game's brilliance ourselves. Stay tuned for Destiny of Tetris 2: Kremlin Fever and Destiny of Tetris Advance: Little Kids Throw Snowballs At Each Other.

- DS Lite: 110,845 30,948 (38.73%)
- Wii: 52,583 1,218 (2.37%)
- PSP: 31,503 7,574 (19.38%)
- PS3: 14,520 2,369 (14.03%)
- PS2: 14,234 3,553 (19.98%)
- Xbox 360: 2,963 926 (23.81%)
- GBA SP: 833 224 (36.78%)
- Game Boy Micro: 512 76 (12.93%)
- Gamecube: 255 50 (24.39%)
- DS Phat: 90 25 (21.74%)
- GBA: 12 3 (33.33%)

[Source: Media Create]

Imagine as though you've just opened a freshly minted pack of edition, fresh from the factory. You tear through the commons ... Unicorn Edition, Fourth Dimensional Edition, Richard Simmons Edition ... and there, sitting amongst the dreck, is the rarest of the rare. Truly, you are blessed this day, as you hold the special foil-etched edition to the sky, reflecting the sunlight in prisms of rarity.

This edition, friends, contains only the finest materials. Text is inlaid with pure gold, and we give you our solemn promise that the edition you see, right on your computer screen, is in fact number (JAVASCRIPT.parsingError: pageViews modulo 1000) out of 1000! That's freakin' rare.

Now, you may encase said edition in a cheap plastic sheath, and bring it to school to brag to all your friends. You can battle against those other editions, too. Remember! Not everyone has received this edition. Only you, and perhaps a handful of other bless'ed souls. Feel special, dear reader, and gaze upon these VIP-only sales numbers.

- DS Lite: 79,897 50,652 (38.80%)
- Wii: 51,365 24,206 (32.03%)
- PSP: 39,077 2,469 (5.94%)
- PS2: 17,787 826 (4.87%)
- PS3: 16,889 3,570 (17.45%)
- Xbox 360: 3,889 397 (11.37%)
- GBA SP: 609 2 (0.33%)
- Game Boy Micro: 588 177 (23.14%)
- Gamecube: 205 65 (24.07%)
- DS Phat: 115 20 (14.81%)
- GBA: 9 13 (59.09%)

[Source: Media Create]

Did we say April Fools edition? We meant completely real edition. This weeks numbers, for whatever reason, are slightly unusual, so we've coupled a short explanation for each system in the chart.

- Atari Jaguar: 1,989,323 1,989,322 - In a startling turn of events, the Atari Jaguar received an unbelievable resurgence in popularity. Its success can only be attributed to a flash mob, who thought it would be funny for a bunch of people to raid a warehouse and purchase a bunch of systems wholesale.
- Wii: 134,257 9,834 - The Wii continues to sell well. In related news, mysterious living-room related deaths are rising rapidly.
- PS3: 70,942 20,771 - The PS3, despite continuous bad press, continues to grill burgers with the best of them. George Foreman's stock is rapidly falling.
- PSP: 38,211 4,032 - Poospè?
- PS2: 37,778 7,110 - While 37,778 units were sold, it turns out that only three were sold to people who weren't replacing a broken one.
- Xbox 360: 14,170 3,173 - Has anyone else noticed this heat wave lately? We're looking at you, power bricks.
- Gamecube: 666 666 - Oh my God. Run.
- GBA SP: pi e - Lawl. Pi + e = Pie.
- Xbox: i ... er ... ... dammit! - Remarkably, the Xbox managed to sell an imaginary number of units last week. Whether this is better or worse than zero units, we're not sure.
- DS Lite: 0 121,471 - Nintendo has a problem: everyone in Japan already has a DS Lite. Didn't see that one coming ....

[Source: Lamar]

Check after the break for the totally fake numbers. Yep, not like the ones above at all. Really, really fake.

Can you feel it? The millions of dollars of productivity just slipping away in a bracket-induced frenzy? This month, eight of the biggest contenders will go toe to toe in a winner-take-all bloodbath of pain and glory.

The DS, by virtue of winning the last nineteen straight tournaments, has been officially eliminated from the competition. Vegas is giving 3:2 odds on the Wii, but inconsistent supply performance puts them on shaky ground. The PSP, which charged back late in the season to earn the number 1 seed, is playing its best right now, but the in-state rival PS3 is still a force to be reckoned with. The Xbox 360 has also shown marked improvement, with wonderful individual performances by Blue Dragon and Trusty Bell.

We're totally picking the Gamecube, though. It's the cinderella story of the season!

(Seeds were determined using this week's numbers. Next week's sales charts shall determine the winner!)

(And go Gators!)

- DS Lite: 108,512 3,302 (2.95%)
- PSP: 56,175 9,981 (15.09%)
- Wii: 44,495 13,477 (23.25%)
- PS3: 32,115 11,885 (27.01%)
- PS2: 14,585 779 (5.07%)
- Xbox 360: 3,333 46 (1.36%)
- Game Boy Micro: 812 7 (0.87%)
- GBA SP: 679 59 (7.99%)
- Gamecube: 240 63 (20.79%)
- DS Phat: 119 7 (6.25%)
- GBA: 13 12 (48%)

[Source: Media Create]

You know, you know what? We've had it up to here with some of the things we have to deal with everyday, and dammit, we think it's time we let people know. This crap has to stop.

Where to start? Let's talk about the freaking CPUs they stick us with here at the Fanboy offices. Intel Core 2 Duo's: pathetic. We mean, what the hell? It's like two normal Intel processors duct-taped together. Look, we need insane processing power to make these blog posts funny and interesting, you know? These conditions are unworkable.

And let's not even mention roller coasters. Mechanical and electrical engineers just aren't taking these things seriously enough; they need to start using the medium for proper artistic expression. We need to tell a story full of meaning and character depth during these rides, or people are going to feel unfulfilled and pissed off, like us. And we're really pissed right now.

Finally, to Maxis, developers of the best-selling PC game of all-time and the future title Spore, expected to perhaps exceed that mark set by the exemplary Sims some years back: make a game that doesn't suck ass, okay?

Ugh, these numbers? Where is the emotion? Where is the meaning? Life is so meaningless ....

- DS Lite: 111,814 24,314 (17.86%)
- PSP: 66,156 34,054 (33.96%)
- Wii: 57,972 20,534 (26.16%)
- PS3: 44,000 24,685 (127.80%)
- PS2: 15,364 310 (2.06%)
- Xbox 360: 3,379 804 (19.22%)
- Game Boy Micro: 805 102 (11.25%)
- GBA SP: 738 297 (28.70%)
- Gamecube: 303 20 (6.19%)
- DS Phat: 112 20 (15.15%)
- GBA: 25 34 (57.63%)

[Source: Media Create]

You wake up disoriented, in a dark room. You have no idea where you are.

>look

It's a dark room. You can't see anything. We know you're disoriented, but do try to keep up.

>look exits

Fine. Okay. You stumble around the room until you find a wall. Keeping one hand on the wall, you walk the perimeter of the room, looking for doors. You find a door on the east side of the room. You also find a key hanging from a hook on the wall. And by "find" we mean "get poked by." We hope you find some Neosporin on this adventure.

>advise readers to click post break

As our technological wonders ever expand into dazzling and exciting new realms, we here at the Fanboy can't help but think we're all going to get replaced some day by bitchin' robots with chrome chestplates. We made the mistake, however, of mentioning this to our superiors, and they think it's a great idea. So great, in fact, that they wanted to give it a trial run by applying the most advanced artificial intelligence the world has ever known. The transcript is as follows (click after the break to see the rest):

NintendoWiiFanboy (5:25:34 PM): Hi, there.

SmarterChild (5:25:35 PM): Hi, NintendoWiiFanboy! I'm SmarterChild!

- DS Lite: 201,177 55,104 (37.72%)
- Wii: 78,550 12,810 (19.49%)
- PSP: 32,175 959 (3.07%)
- PS3: 23,431 4,704 (25.12%)
- PS2: 16,033 1,507 (8.59%)
- Xbox 360: 4,811 1,319 (21.52%)
- GBA SP: 980 256 (35.36%)
- Game Boy Micro: 884 166 (15.81%)
- Gamecube: 383 77 (25.16%)
- DS Phat: 121 2 (1.68%)
- GBA: 36 8 (28.57%)

[Source: Media Create]